For those who might not have known, my beloved (and often hated)Philadelphia Eagles kicked the living dogshit out of the Dallas Cowgirls this past Sunday to the tune of 44-6. During a season which Donovan McNabb and the Eagles had found themselves all but completely counted out, they've managed to make the playoffs through a series of losses by other teams (The Raiders beating the Bucs? Come on fam; nobody saw THAT coming...)and most importantly, by winning the BIG one against our most despised foe. What made the victory even sweeter was that our sound trouncing of those no-talent, ass-clowns served not only to launch us into the playoffs, but also to bounce their undeserving butts OUT of the postseason picture.
Sometimes, life is good. I mean like really, REALLY good.
My postgame ritual for Cowgirl ass-kickings by the Birds is usually capped off by expletive-laden phone calls to two good friends of mine (Jeff and Rob) who have the misfortune to be misled, yet diehard Cowgirls fans.
Don't get me wrong; those who know me know that if my squad beats your squad in ANYTHING, (I mean ANYTHING-effing spades/tiddlywinks/paper football included fam; I'm so NOT joking about this)you can best believe that you will hear from me POST HASTE. Just ask the teenagers I was counseling this past summer when we had boys vs. girls volleyball. My boys squad won and the girls (female counselors who were coaching them included) heard about it for a good 5 minutes as I ran around the grass in front of Station 100 like Jim Valvano back in 1983.
What further fuels my passionate rants at Jeff and Rob is the fact that I have a fundemental issue with their fandom:
Neither of those two are actually FROM Dallas. They're from PHILLY! (WTF?!)
Which brings me to the purpose of this post.
Here are The Rules for Sports Fandom. Thoroughly thought out and articulated as I eat day-old Chinese take out and watch Spaceballs. The Rules are here to help you. Abide by them. Always.
Rule #1.)Root for your home team.
I really shouldn't even have to talk about this but I will. I was born in Philadelphia, raised in Philadelphia and will represent Philadelphia until my lodge brothers lower me 6 feet or spread my ashes over the Schuykill. Therefore, I am a Sixers, Eagles, Phillies and Flyers fan. Regardless of how much they suck, these are my teams. Period. You can be a fan of PLAYERS for other squads (shit; I was the biggest Michael Jordan fan until the Wizards fiasco and $200 kicks in steel cases)but you root for the HOME TEAM. And, you STAY loyal to your team no matter where you reside or go.
Above: Lives around the freakin' corner from me! J/K; but still gets no love from me with that shirt on. Eff the Cowgirls.Word.
This goes for my friends Sandy,(Giants/Yankees fan)Chuck (Lakers fan) Jeff(Cowgirls fan) Bill (Giants/Knicks fan) and the worse offender of all my friends, Rob.(Cowgirls/Celtics fan) All from Philadelphia or the surrounding area. All traitorous in their sports alligiances.
Exception 1.) Exception shall be granted for those who are from cities/regions bereft of professional sports franchises. For example: I had a paramedic instructor from Kentucky. There is no professional football team in Kentucky, so he chose to be an Indianapolis Colts fan. Perfectly acceptable. But, even within this exception there are rules...
See: People from New Jersey or New York City.
North Jersey folks more readily identify with New York City and are de facto New York Giants/Jets fans. People from South Jersey are usually Philly transplants and are therefore, Eagles fans. Jersey has a hockey team so native Jersey folks are to root for the Devils only.
(Subsection A: Parental lineage and influence. Say my wife and I moved from Philly to...I dunno-say, Cleveland. And say we had another child that was born in Cleveland. We would then raise said child to be an Eagles fan, not a Browns fan. This actually piggybacks off of rule #1.)
Residents of the boroughs of Brooklyn, Manhattan, Staten Island and The Bronx root for the Yankees. People from Queens root for the Mets. That is all.
Rule #2.) The "Enemy of My Enemy is my Friend" Rule.
One of my Lodge brothers hails from our nation's capital. He, therefore is a Redskins fan. The Eagles' most despised enemy are the Cowgirls. Therefore, even though I don't like Washington, if the Redskins are playing the Cowgirls, I root for the Resdkins. It's that simple.
Rule #3.) The "Get off the "Di__" rule. Otherwise known as the "Anti-Bandwagon" clause.
If you are from Detroit and are a Lions fan as you SHOULD be, you are not allowed to be a Colts fan now. You say your team just went 0-16 for the season huh? Tough. Gut that shit out. The Sixers went 9-73 during the 1972-1973 season and my father and other Philly fans grabbed straws and sucked it up. Red Sox fans remember 81 years of misery before they finally rid themselves of "The Curse."
Above: Want some cheese with that whine?
There's nothing more detestable than johnny-come-lately Patriots/Lakers(I'm talking to you Chuck)/ Yankees/Cowboys fans. Crawl back under the rock you from whence you came.
Rule #4. The Cowgirls SUCK. Fo' real mayne.
As always, feel free to add on as I'm sure that I missed something important.
May the Schwartz be With You.
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4 months ago