Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sports Fandom: The Rules.

For those who might not have known, my beloved (and often hated)Philadelphia Eagles kicked the living dogshit out of the Dallas Cowgirls this past Sunday to the tune of 44-6. During a season which Donovan McNabb and the Eagles had found themselves all but completely counted out, they've managed to make the playoffs through a series of losses by other teams (The Raiders beating the Bucs? Come on fam; nobody saw THAT coming...)and most importantly, by winning the BIG one against our most despised foe. What made the victory even sweeter was that our sound trouncing of those no-talent, ass-clowns served not only to launch us into the playoffs, but also to bounce their undeserving butts OUT of the postseason picture.

Sometimes, life is good. I mean like really, REALLY good.

My postgame ritual for Cowgirl ass-kickings by the Birds is usually capped off by expletive-laden phone calls to two good friends of mine (Jeff and Rob) who have the misfortune to be misled, yet diehard Cowgirls fans.

Don't get me wrong; those who know me know that if my squad beats your squad in ANYTHING, (I mean ANYTHING-effing spades/tiddlywinks/paper football included fam; I'm so NOT joking about this)you can best believe that you will hear from me POST HASTE. Just ask the teenagers I was counseling this past summer when we had boys vs. girls volleyball. My boys squad won and the girls (female counselors who were coaching them included) heard about it for a good 5 minutes as I ran around the grass in front of Station 100 like Jim Valvano back in 1983.

What further fuels my passionate rants at Jeff and Rob is the fact that I have a fundemental issue with their fandom:

Neither of those two are actually FROM Dallas. They're from PHILLY! (WTF?!)

Which brings me to the purpose of this post.

Here are The Rules for Sports Fandom. Thoroughly thought out and articulated as I eat day-old Chinese take out and watch Spaceballs. The Rules are here to help you. Abide by them. Always.

Rule #1.)Root for your home team.

I really shouldn't even have to talk about this but I will. I was born in Philadelphia, raised in Philadelphia and will represent Philadelphia until my lodge brothers lower me 6 feet or spread my ashes over the Schuykill. Therefore, I am a Sixers, Eagles, Phillies and Flyers fan. Regardless of how much they suck, these are my teams. Period. You can be a fan of PLAYERS for other squads (shit; I was the biggest Michael Jordan fan until the Wizards fiasco and $200 kicks in steel cases)but you root for the HOME TEAM. And, you STAY loyal to your team no matter where you reside or go.

Above: Lives around the freakin' corner from me! J/K; but still gets no love from me with that shirt on. Eff the Cowgirls.Word.

This goes for my friends Sandy,(Giants/Yankees fan)Chuck (Lakers fan) Jeff(Cowgirls fan) Bill (Giants/Knicks fan) and the worse offender of all my friends, Rob.(Cowgirls/Celtics fan) All from Philadelphia or the surrounding area. All traitorous in their sports alligiances.

Exception 1.) Exception shall be granted for those who are from cities/regions bereft of professional sports franchises. For example: I had a paramedic instructor from Kentucky. There is no professional football team in Kentucky, so he chose to be an Indianapolis Colts fan. Perfectly acceptable. But, even within this exception there are rules...

See: People from New Jersey or New York City.

North Jersey folks more readily identify with New York City and are de facto New York Giants/Jets fans. People from South Jersey are usually Philly transplants and are therefore, Eagles fans. Jersey has a hockey team so native Jersey folks are to root for the Devils only.

(Subsection A: Parental lineage and influence. Say my wife and I moved from Philly to...I dunno-say, Cleveland. And say we had another child that was born in Cleveland. We would then raise said child to be an Eagles fan, not a Browns fan. This actually piggybacks off of rule #1.)

Residents of the boroughs of Brooklyn, Manhattan, Staten Island and The Bronx root for the Yankees. People from Queens root for the Mets. That is all.

Rule #2.) The "Enemy of My Enemy is my Friend" Rule.

One of my Lodge brothers hails from our nation's capital. He, therefore is a Redskins fan. The Eagles' most despised enemy are the Cowgirls. Therefore, even though I don't like Washington, if the Redskins are playing the Cowgirls, I root for the Resdkins. It's that simple.

Rule #3.) The "Get off the "Di__" rule. Otherwise known as the "Anti-Bandwagon" clause.

If you are from Detroit and are a Lions fan as you SHOULD be, you are not allowed to be a Colts fan now. You say your team just went 0-16 for the season huh? Tough. Gut that shit out. The Sixers went 9-73 during the 1972-1973 season and my father and other Philly fans grabbed straws and sucked it up. Red Sox fans remember 81 years of misery before they finally rid themselves of "The Curse."

Above: Want some cheese with that whine?

There's nothing more detestable than johnny-come-lately Patriots/Lakers(I'm talking to you Chuck)/ Yankees/Cowboys fans. Crawl back under the rock you from whence you came.

Rule #4. The Cowgirls SUCK. Fo' real mayne.

As always, feel free to add on as I'm sure that I missed something important.

May the Schwartz be With You.


Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual said...

The Commission for Excellent Fandom (of which I am an associate member by marriage) thoroughly approves, ratifies, co-signs, endorses and will enforce your rules. Anyone running afoul of said rules will be dealt with with extreme predjudice.

Copying and pasting your entire post and e mailing it to my best friend (Giants/Cowgirls fan---how you gonna be the fan of 2 teams in the same division that hate each other!?!? And you ain't from either of them cities?!?!?!) in 3...2...1...

Chris said...

Dude don't mess with perfection. These rules are THE rules to live by.
I forgot to tell you, that I had a friend from college who claimed to be an Eagles fan AND a Giants fan. This is fundamentally impossible. There is no way that the planets could align to make this even feasible. It is wrong. We called him a Geagle (we called him worse things but you get my point). Everyone who busts my stones about being a NY fan has to be given a geography lesson. Just because I live in enemy territory does not mean I will change my allegaince - EVER. I ask, "If you moved to New York for a job would you stop bleeding Eagles green?" They look at me like I killed their dog. Then why shouldn't the same apply to me?!? The argument usually ends there. All of this being said, I have to root for Minnesota next week. I rooted for the Birds last week (the enemy of my enemy is my friend clause is in effect here), but I can NOT root for them in the playoffs.

As usual brother keep speaking the truth.

Jae said...

I have never understood the Philly native Cowboy love. I was born hating Dallas (the football team anyway. I actually love the city).

Anyway, Go Birds!

suga said...

Loving this post, minus the tidbit about the Raiders miraculously winning, as if their win was on the same level as Jesus' birth. Just thank us and keep it moving. lol

My BF had the nerve to root for the 49ers last Sunday (Oakland and SF have a huge bay area rivalry, even though they're only 15 minutes apart) and I almost kicked him out of my house. He is a citizen of the Raider Nation so he should know better. His response was that the Raiders suck. SO WHAT!!! They been sucking since 2004. Dont try to act brand new now. I will be a Raiders/A's/Warriors/Sharks fan forever and so will all of my descendants (praying for Al Davis to have a stroke in the near future though).

pgh_muse said...

This is funny. There are no better teams or better fans than Steelers fans ;-) Luv ya Black and Gold ;-) and since we have no professional basketball team (we do have (or had) an ABA team that may or may not still exist) I don't watch basketball...

Sophia said...

As a new football fan (I know I know what the heck was I thinking until this season?) I'm always open to learning new things. So I'll try to follow the rules. Giants fan I am, even though I'm now living in DC. So I got that part right.....I'm learning I'm learning....LOL on the post btw